On the Outside Looking In

Well it happened…or at least I think it did…I am not sure, maybe I perceived this all wrong, but the important part is that I think it happened…It was bound to happen given the sort of week I was having.

So here it is, yesterday I felt ostracized because I have a child with a disability. I was in the cry room with Quinn at church. When I walk in, there was another person there with his/her child (around the same age as Quinn). I speak to this person about the volume of the sound, adjust it, and then recheck with them that the adjustment was ok. I was friendly, but this person didn’t really say much. He/she minimally talked to me and kept looking at Quinn. Another person comes in with a baby. The first person proceeds to start talking to this new person non-stop. They are discussing their children’s temperaments, developmental milestones, where they live, etc – all while the sermon is going on. The first person initiates all this discussion. I thought to myself, it was like pulling teeth to have him/her talk to me, but now he/she is just chatting away with someone he/she obviously doesn't know. All I can hear in my mind is that “I don’t belong,”” I am on the outside,” “They don’t think I matter“– it isn’t like they want to know anything about Quinn. Just ignore the lady right next you who has the child with a disability. Pretend she doesn’t exist. We don’t want to know or think anything about that. That would be just way to intense for us to even see, think, feel...Mind you, all of this was going on while we should have been listening to the sermon (which I am betting had an entirely different message), but the volume I had set was drowned out by their chatting and the hurt thoughts circling around in my head.

So in this situation, I am already on the outside, what can I do? I decide to go with it – why not emphasize that I am on the outside? I work with Quinn on her signing. Might as well make some use of this time. I can feel eyes on me across the room. So be it.

-Karyn