May 14, 2009
Dear Extra 21st Chromosome:
I am just going to come right out and say it. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes my heart aches all because of you, especially when I think about all that Quinn can’t do compared to her typical peers. She is so behind in her motor development. She is even behind some of her peers who have Down syndrome. And there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about this. I am helpless and feel ineffective as a mother. I just have to stand by and watch. This is all because of you. I hate you when I think about all the jokes that will be made about my beautiful daughter. I hate you because I know other people talk about “Poor Karyn” who has that child with the disability. I don’t want pity. I don’t want my daughter be the butt of someone’s jokes. I don’t want to see my daughter struggle. I don’t want to have a HUGE question mark in my head when I think of Quinn’s future. Why did this have to happen?
Now I take a deep breath, look at my beautiful daughter who fell asleep in my arms just a moment ago and know the answer to the last question I asked you. Before Quinn, I was on the superficial path in life. You came into my life to teach me very important things. You came to teach me that true love for your child involves loving them no matter what – loving them no matter what others say about them, loving them for both what they can and can’t do, and loving them despite the pain in your heart you sometimes feel. I didn’t get this before. Quite honestly, I don’t think many people get this. Is this why you decided to run through every cell of my daughter’s beautiful little body? You came into my life to give me perspective, to make me care about things I didn’t even see before, to educate me, and to introduce me to a whole other world with such beautiful people in it.
Right now I have a love-hate relationship with you. I just can’t let go of that hate right now, but I know you made my life better in some ways. This is where I am, and it is an acceptable place to be - I am entitled to feel as I do about you. You will just have to accept that I have these feelings about you, for we are going to be together for a long time.
4 days ago