Motherhood

I have been neglecting my blog. This semester has been hectic to say the least, but hopefully I will have more time in the Summer to post. I can really feel that I am not writing because I am feeling more stressed. Writing does help with my self care, so I better suck it up and find the time. Plus why have a blog if it is just gathering cyber dust.

As you know, today is Mother's Day. So I woke up this morning having thoughts about what it means to be a mother. I really don't know what I expected in becoming a mother going back to the time before I had that itty bitty dimple faced little baby boy named Riley. Ten years ago I was pregnant with him and didn't really realize how my life would change. I didn't occur to me to even consider what becoming a mother philosophically meant to me. Unfortunately as with most things in my life, I just kind of did it because it was the next thing to do. I had two other moments to think about what becoming a mother meant to me, but I neglected doing that as well when I was pregnant with strong feisty Aidan and my mini-me Quinny. I really didn't get the significance of all these moments and the journey I was embarking on. I kind of wish I could go back and look at this more, really think about what motherhood means to me before the moment of entering it.

Quinn has made me more philosophical. Especially the last year has made me philosophical. Sometimes you are given something unexpected and it alters how you look at the world. So maybe I needed to have Quinn, experience the unsettling feelings of an additional diagnosis of Infantile Spasms, and then I would get the idea to really look at what motherhood means to me. Maybe things come in the order that is best for us and at a time we are truly ready to look at them.

Well these are the things I know...I am not a "traditional" mother (if there is such a thing). But I will do whatever it takes to give my kids what they need. I will fight for treatment. I will sacrifice myself (working long hours when needed) to get them what they need. I cherish my moments with my kids. I have talks with the boys about what it means to be a responsible, loving person and the importance of understanding and embracing diversity. I have started taking care of myself more (yep I know I still work a lot, but I am losing weight) so I can be around longer for my kids. But I am not perfect. I am learning. I am always learning and most of the time I am learning from my kids, both at home and at work.

This past year has been a remarkable one. One of challenge with Quinn's health concerns and the development of Infantile Spasms. One of seeing more and more the reality that all children are not fortunate enough to have a mother who will protect them, guide them, and not hurt them. I have learned a lot through the stories of other people. I have also learned a lot through the story of my own little Quinny. When I was pregnant with her, I was expecting one thing and got another. Just before she turned two, I was expecting her life to progress one way and found out something different yet again. Motherhood is about learning as you go. Adapting. Learning what unconditional love really is. Sometimes embracing a difficult experience because you recognize that you forever changed because of it. Motherhood is about recognizing your need to grow and to learn and sometimes even your need to mother yourself. But it is mostly about the love you feel in your heart when you see your Riley, Aidan, and Quinn sitting side by side. You then realize that they are forever part of you and those little people have influenced you more than anyone else you know.

-Karyn