Saturday, April 10, 2010

What to Say

So much to say, but then again I really have no details to give you.

For the next six weeks (probably more) I am in limbo of what will come of my career - if major changes will be made to my job which could change the direction of my work dramatically or even impact if I have a job. I really hope the "powers that be" make the right decision, but I am not confident. I could say so much more, an unbelievable amount of stuff, but yet I can't.

But on the upside I know from one of my "side jobs" that I will be ok. I could go there full-time if things don't work with this transition at work. That brings happiness in my heart - it is nice to have a plan B and to be wanted, but quite honestly even though there are a lot of politics that I don't like, I love what I do and really don't want this change thrust on me (I want to keep doing what I am doing and not have outsiders determine the direction of my career). If these changes happen, I will know that I will have to grieve a rather large loss and now I wait eternally for the word of what the decision will be. But I will adapt. Quinn has taught me to do that.

It is just a lot of pressure right now because I am the financial supporter of five people (plus one dog). I worry. I try to get my mind off of this. Then I worry again. Plus I have to perform at work and home, so I have to pull myself together in a reasonable fashion to do so. Another lesson I learned from Quinn, from when I received the diagnosis - the first one and then the second one. DS and IS consecutively.

On the up side, I have been successful in doing some things for myself. I am losing weight. A lot of it. Finally I feel healthy - well other than my aching feet from walking a lot the last few days to get some exercise in. Actually I lied, I am not REALLY doing this for myself, more for my family. People laugh when I tell them this, but I am losing weight to not die. Yeah I know that I can't totally fight death, but I can reduce the chances by not being obese. I am the financial supporter of the family, if I die where would that leave things? Plus if I died and then Neal died where would that leave the kids? More specifically where would it leave the boys in caring for Quinn and ultimately Quinn? I can't just assume that even when our kids are in adulthood, things will go fine. Things are just more complicated now than that. Oh on so many levels things are complicated. But in a world where I have very little control, I can control this aspect of my health and I will do so. Otherwise I hang on for a very emotional and tough ride which will take me who knows where. But Quinn taught me that I will be ok, so I will trust her on that.


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